It can only get better!

So you know what? I ate, I slept (woke up at 3.30 but managed to get back to sleep), felt sorry for myself. And then I made plans with F to have lunch, watched some Craig Ferguson and things are starting to look brighter.

Crappy november. Crappy sleep.

Dream a little dream of me

And so it continues.

I will write about two dreams.

The first one I'm going to write about I had last night. I was getting married. It was an arranged marriage, which was quite logical since I'd been adopted to an indian family (!). The thing was that I didn't want this to happen and we (I'm not sure who "we" were, but still) had made a plan to get me out of it. So, next thing is the ceremony. I'm standing to the left of my husband to be. He was wearing white and we were carrying some strange fruit together. It looked like a weird pear. As I'm standing there I realise that the plan we made wasn't going to work. I look behind me and there are six people standing there three by three facing each other. E was there. Not all of them was supposed to help. Realising that I was getting married after all I hot-wired a car. I guess I ran away succesfully, because the next thing I am in the house where the woman lives who ran away from her wedding (that is me, but still I'm visiting her). I'm standing in her kitchen and I suddenly know that she has a child. This is where I wake up.

The second one I had some weeks back but I keep thinking about it. It's about me being in an asylum. I didn't live there but I had to spend time there. I realise that I didn't know what my supposedly mental illness was and decide to go to the asulym to get my medical record to find out. I'm meeting someone dear to me and he is supposed to hand it to me. At the asylum I have to pass several gates, or rather locked rooms to get to him. I have to stand in one small room, waiting for the door behind me to close and lock before the next door will be open. And as I pass through these rooms I get more and more scared. This is where I wake up.

You had a bad day!

Or rather: I had a crappy day!

I suffer from insomnia from time to time. I wake up really early and just can't go back to sleep. It sucks. This often occurs when I'm under a lot of stress at work, which I used to be some year back. Yet I fail to see that my work situation is that stressful these days. I experience my life to be quite nice at this point. I enjoy my work which challenges me, my colleagues who are nice and fun, my friends, I do fun stuff.

But this past week has been like an emotional roller coaster and it makes me sick. Quite literal. Today I suddenly just lost all energy and almost burst into tears. I just couldn't handle things. I know that this happens when the insomnia goes too far. Nothing else to do but to give in and go home.

I managed to make an appointment to see a doctor on monday about the insomnia since I'm worried that it's something physical that causes it. Anyhow, this can't go on because it's making me nuts.

I was chatting with E earlier and she proved once again to be the best friend one can have! She listened to my worries and my anguish and my rantings. Then she simply said: "Eat, sleep, be nice to yourself because you had a bad day." And maybe it is that simple?

"Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day"

(Daniel Powter)

Quick update!

Right now I'm...

Reading: Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl
Listening to: my Ishuffle with a weird mix of arabic music, Massive Attack, Bridget Jones Soundtrack and some other thingithings.
Watching: Deadwood
Surfin: youtube for anything with Craig Ferguson and the Late Late Show, and of course Facebook
Chatting with: sister dearest, don't really have the energy to talk to a lot of people these days.
Eating: a diet containg mostly bread, which I really don't approve of.
Drinking: not enough water
Travelling with: Skanetrafiken (local trains and busses in my region)
Sleeping: too little, with little kitten beside me

Dream a little dream of me

I'm having the weirdest dreams these days.

It started out a few weeks ago when I dreamt that I was passing by my boss's house and he invited me in. It turned out he lived there with all his family (parents, siblings, nieces and nephews) and he was very enthusiastic about showing me around. I had a friend with me and we were on our way somewhere when mr Boss interfered. We were invited to christmas dinner and pumpkin soup which my friend liked very much. I wanted us to leave, not because it was an uncomfortable situtation as much as I felt that we were being delayed.

Last week I dreamt that I was at a family reunion. My family that is. It was att my (maternal) grandmothers place and I was so happy to see that she'd been renovating. She had converted her two floor house into a one floor house and I thought it was a great idea since she had trouble walking up and down the stairs (which she had in real life as well due to cardiac problems). My sister, who expressed my happiness to, was very indifferent to this. Then I realise that I left my friend (same friend as above, I wonder what it is with him and food?) at the dinner table in the midst of all my relatives and seeing this I leave the house to go outside and there is E sitting at the garage and she is very sleepy so I try to wake her up but she rather go on sleeping. At this point I realise that one of my mother's cousins was inside granny's house with his new family (of which I don't think he has any IRL) and that I haven't talked to them for a long time and not at all during this dinner. I go inside and see that he is feeding a blond baby sitting in a high chair.

Last night I dreamt of a weird date. I think it started out with a midsummer eve's party. It was raining. JK (a former colleague who I lost contact withvbut wouldn't mind meeting again) wispered as he left that he was going to call me. Next scene is the date. It's not with JK but it still is the attended person, in the way it is in dreams were people change appearence for a reason I don't get. We're in this really fancy place and M is dressed in tails (like you are on a regular date) and we're drinking a cup of hot chocolate which turns out to be ridiculously expensive. (I mean, who would pay 20 euros for a cup of hot chocolate no matter how tasty it is?). We pay and leave to go to my place. I realise then that I haven't tidied the place up since I moved there, which I supposedly just did. I explain to M that my parents just moved from their flat to this house and that we haven't got the place in order yet. It turns out that I live in a wooden yellow house on my parents lot. We enter my house and I start to show M around. We then see a large grey hen in one of the rooms and we have to get her out. We succeed in this (Yay!) and the last thing I see before waking up is M standing in his dress suit in the doorway looking out at the large grey hen.

Alright then. I won't go all freudian here, simply because I'm not into freudian interpretations of dreams. But a few reflections I've made. There is an obvious family theme here which I don't really get. Is it about wanting to be part of a family? Or maybe a wish to not be part of a family? The feeling in both dreams was rather about wanting to leave that patricular family situation than to be included and a part of it.

The first one is quite simple. Being interrupted on the way somewhere I rather be, that is rather wanting to hang out alone with my friend than with my boss. Also the feeling of my boss wanting to delay me in this other relationship.

The next one reminds me of a dream I had last summer. It was about my wedding, which apparantly was set in a beatiful place in Italy in the autumn. I really wanted my granny to be there and wanted her to be comfortable, but my mom kept saying that granny should stay outside the place, she couldn't come in. My grandmothers is dead since 10 years back, so of course she can't attend my wedding. I guess I miss her a lot, her house and our family dinners and hope that she is more comfortable wherever she is now than she was in the last years of her life.

The last dream is just plain weird. I wouldn't date M ever because he's 1) married and 2) just a friend. I would say that the dream is just a mix of memories and feelings and hopes and this is not the place for them to be exposed.

Ah, the catharsis of blurring personal stuff out on the net!